When narcissists apologize, it’s often not about real regret. Instead, their apologies usually aim to regain control or fix their image rather than truly making things right. This post will help you understand why narcissists apologize and how to spot when their apology isn’t genuine. Here you will also find practical tips on how to respond. So you can confidently handle these tricky situations.
Do Narcissists Apologize for Cheating and Hurting You?
Yes, narcissists can apologize for cheating or hurting you, but their apologies often aren’t genuine. They might say sorry to fix their image or get back in your good graces, rather than because they truly feel remorse. These apologies are usually more about their own comfort and less about your pain.
When they apologize, it can be a way to avoid consequences or shift the blame. Their words might sound sincere, but their behavior over time often shows they’re not truly sorry. To see if their apology is real, look at how they act after the apology. Real change is shown through consistent, thoughtful actions, not just empty words.
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How Do Narcissists Apologize?
Narcissists often have a way of apologizing that reflects their self-centered nature. Their apologies tend to follow a certain pattern, making it clear that they’re not genuinely sorry but rather trying to protect themselves or manipulate the situation. Here’s a closer look at how they typically apologize:
They Use Conditional Apologies
Narcissists often apologize in a way that comes with conditions or strings attached. Instead of simply admitting they were wrong, they add qualifiers that shift the blame onto you or downplay their own responsibility. For example:
- “I’m sorry if you felt hurt.” Here, they’re not really saying they’re sorry for what they did. Instead, they’re making it about your feelings, almost as if it’s your fault for being hurt in the first place.
- “I’m sorry, but…” They might say something like, “I’m sorry, but you know how stressed I’ve been.” This shifts the focus away from their bad behavior and onto an excuse, implying that their actions were understandable given the circumstances.
- “I’m sorry that you think I did something wrong.” This type of apology doesn’t acknowledge any actual wrongdoing. Instead, it’s a way of saying that the real problem is your perception, not their actions.
These kinds of apologies are designed to make the narcissist look like they’re being the bigger person without actually admitting fault. They keep the focus on your reaction rather than on what they did wrong.
They Deflect Responsibility
Narcissists are experts at avoiding responsibility. When they apologize, they often find ways to blame someone or something else for their behavior. This deflection can take many forms, such as:
- “I wouldn’t have cheated if you had been more attentive.” Here, the narcissist blames you for their cheating, suggesting that their actions were a response to your behavior rather than their own choice.
- “You pushed me to that point.” This shifts the blame onto you, making it seem like their bad behavior was something you caused.
- “It’s not my fault; I was under a lot of pressure.” By blaming stress or other external factors, the narcissist avoids taking personal responsibility for their actions.
When they deflect responsibility like this, they manage to apologize without actually owning up to what they did. It’s a way to make you feel guilty or responsible for their actions, which is a common manipulation tactic.
They Minimize Their Actions
Another tactic narcissists use in their apologies is minimizing what they did wrong. They downplay the severity of their actions, making it seem like you’re overreacting or that their behavior wasn’t really that bad. Some examples include:
- “It wasn’t a big deal.” By saying this, the narcissist tries to convince you that their wrongdoing wasn’t serious, which can make you question whether you’re justified in feeling hurt.
- “I didn’t mean to hurt you; it was just a joke.” Here, they minimize the impact of their actions by framing them as harmless or unintentional, even if their behavior was clearly damaging.
- “You’re being too sensitive.” This is a way to dismiss your feelings, making it seem like you’re the problem for reacting to their bad behavior.
Minimization is all about making their actions seem less harmful so they don’t have to face the full consequences. It leaves you feeling dismissed and can make you question your own feelings and reactions.
They Make Future Promises
When narcissists sense that they might lose control or that you’re seriously upset, they might start making grand promises about how they’ll change in the future. These promises often sound convincing, but they’re usually just a way to get you to forgive them quickly without really addressing the problem. Common examples include:
- “I swear I’ll never do it again.” They might promise never to repeat their bad behavior, but often this is just a way to get you to trust them again without them having to make any real changes.
- “I’ll go to therapy and work on myself.” While this sounds like a positive step, it’s often just a way to make you feel hopeful that things will get better, even if they have no real intention of following through.
- “From now on, I’ll be the partner you deserve.” This statement is designed to give you hope that they’ll change, but without any real effort to back it up, it’s just another way to keep you in the relationship.
These future promises are often just a way to avoid dealing with the immediate issue. The narcissist wants to smooth things over quickly so they can move on without having to truly change.
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7 Key Reasons Why A Narcissist Might Apologize
Here are explanations that highlight the strategic nature of a narcissist’s apology, which is often more about their own needs than genuine remorse.
1. To Regain Control
Narcissists need to be in control of their relationships. If they feel like they’re losing control, like if you’re starting to question them. Or think about leaving, narcissists might apologize to pull you back in. This apology helps them stay in charge and keep things the way they want.
Example: If you’re about to end things, a narcissist might apologize and promise to change to keep you from leaving and to stay in control of the relationship.
2. To Avoid Consequences
When a narcissist faces serious problems, like the risk of losing you, getting embarrassed, or facing legal issues, they might apologize to avoid these outcomes. This apology is a way to prevent immediate trouble and protect their reputation or lifestyle.
Example: If a narcissist’s actions could lead to a public scandal, they might apologize to keep the issue from getting worse and to avoid losing their social standing.
3. To Manipulate Your Emotions
Narcissists often use apologies to make you feel guilty or responsible for their actions. They might apologize to get you to feel sorry for them or to distract you from their behavior, making you focus more on your own feelings.
Example: After a fight, a narcissist might say, “I’m sorry you’re upset. It’s because of how you acted,” making you feel guilty for their outburst.
4. To Protect Their Image
Narcissists care a lot about how others see them. If they think their actions have hurt their image or reputation, they might apologize to fix this. The apology is more about saving face than about genuinely fixing what went wrong.
Example: If a narcissist’s behavior has made them look bad in front of others, they might apologize to repair their image and keep people thinking well of them.
5. To Keep You Around
Narcissists often rely on you for validation and support. If they think their behavior is driving you away, they might apologize to keep you in their life. This helps them ensure they continue to get what they need from you.
Example: If a narcissist’s actions have pushed you away, they might apologize and promise to change to make sure you don’t leave and to keep getting your support.
6. To Avoid Real Responsibility
Sometimes, a narcissist will apologize just to avoid having to take real responsibility for their actions. They might offer a quick apology to shut down further discussion and avoid facing the full consequences of what they’ve done.
Example: After being caught lying, a narcissist might say, “I’m sorry if I upset you,” to avoid a deeper conversation about their dishonesty and to move on quickly.
7. To Reset the Relationship Cycle
Narcissists often go through cycles of idealizing you, devaluing you, and then discarding you. An apology can be used to bring you back into the idealization phase, where they are charming and attentive. This keeps you hopeful and engaged, even though the cycle might repeat.
Example: After treating you poorly, a narcissist might apologize and shower you with affection to bring you back into the idealization phase, making you hopeful that things will get better, even though the behavior might repeat.
These explanations highlight the various reasons a narcissist might apologize, showing that their apologies are often more about their own needs than genuine remorse.
When Do Narcissists Apologize?
Narcissists typically apologize when it benefits them. Here’s when they’re most likely to say they’re sorry:
- When They’ve Made a Mistake
Narcissists apologize when they’ve been caught doing something wrong and need to fix the situation. They’re more interested in avoiding trouble than genuinely making things right.
- When They See You Pulling Away
If a narcissist senses you’re distancing yourself or thinking about leaving, they might apologize to pull you back in. This helps them keep control of the relationship.
- When They Want to Fix Their Image
Narcissists care a lot about how others see them. If their actions have hurt their reputation, they might apologize to make themselves look better again.
- When They Want to End a Conflict
If an argument isn’t going their way, a narcissist might apologize to quickly end it. This lets them regain control and stop the disagreement from getting worse.
- When They Need Something
Narcissists might apologize when they need something from you, like emotional support, money, or approval. Their apology is a way to get what they want from you.
- When They Want to Avoid Immediate Problems
They use apologies to avoid immediate trouble, like legal issues or other serious problems. This type of apology is all about avoiding the short-term consequences of their actions.
- When They Want to Keep the Relationship Going
Narcissists often follow a pattern where they treat you well, then poorly, and then try to win you back. They might apologize to bring you back to the “good” phase, making you hopeful that things will improve.
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7 Perfect Strategies to Reply When A Narcissist Apologizes
1. Acknowledge and Set Boundaries
Acknowledge Briefly
Just say something like, “Thanks for the apology.” Keep it short and to the point. You don’t need to say more than that.
Set Boundaries
Tell them what you expect moving forward. For example, “I appreciate the apology, but I need to see changes in behavior.” This helps make sure they understand what needs to happen next.
2. Maintain Composure
Stay Calm
When narcissists apologize try not to get emotional. Narcissists might try to push your buttons, so keeping your cool helps you stay in control.
Avoid Over-Analyzing
Don’t get stuck thinking too much about the apology. Focus on what changes need to happen, not whether the apology was genuine.
3. Be Direct and Specific
Address Specific Issues
Be clear about what needs to change. Say something like, “I’m glad you apologized, but I need to know how you’ll fix this issue.”
Use Neutral Language
Keep your responses straightforward and unemotional. Use phrases like “I’ve heard your apology” to stay focused and avoid getting drawn into more drama.
4. Focus on Your Needs
Highlight What You Need
Make it clear what you need to see moving forward. For instance, “I need to see real changes in how you act.” This keeps the focus on your needs, not just the apology.
Be Cautious with Forgiveness
Don’t rush to forgive. Take your time to decide if you’re ready to move on or if you need to think it over.
5. Reinforce Consequences
Specify Consequences
Let them know what will happen if things don’t change. For example, “If this happens again, I’ll have to reconsider our relationship.” This makes it clear that there are serious repercussions.
Document the Interaction
Write down what was said and how you responded. This can help if you need to refer back to it later or if the same issues come up again.
6. Seek External Support
Consult a Trusted Friend or Therapist
Talk to someone you trust or a therapist about the situation. They can offer advice and support to help you handle things better.
Limit Further Engagement
If necessary, reduce how much you interact with the narcissist. Less contact can help you avoid getting caught up in more drama.
7. Prioritize Your Well-being
Stick to Your Decisions
Once you’ve set your boundaries, stick to them. Narcissists may test you, so it’s important to stay firm.
Focus on Your Health
Make sure that your responses and decisions are good for your own mental and emotional health. Take care of yourself and avoid anything that might make you feel worse.
These steps can help you deal with a situation when Narcissists apologize while keeping your own well-being in mind.
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